


autumn

by syncopate (orphan_account)



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M, angsty, fluff-ish, not really sure what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 17:18:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7692907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/syncopate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he reminds kibum of autumn, quiet and almost melancholic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> for j.

he comes with autumn; with the first shivery touches of ice in the wind, and the leaves that begin to colour like the rays of the setting sun. he reminds kibum of autumn, quiet and almost melancholic. and even in the clamour of day to day and the myriad of people begging for his attention, kibum sees him.

 

his name is jonghyun, and kibum thinks he's beautiful. 

 

~-~

 

'who's the new guy?' taemin asks casually, when he arrives.

 

'no idea,' minho replies, mischief in his smile. 'but kibum is already in love.' taemin turns an incredulous gaze over to kibum and starts laughing.

 

'shut  _ up _ ,' kibum hisses, casting a sour glance at his hysterical friends. 

 

'he's cute,' taemin comments, shrugging, once he gets his breath back. 

 

'i know,' kibum says slowly.

 

'i know,' he repeats in a whisper to himself.

 

they're at a showing for kibum's latest photography collection, and there's a new face in the staff at today's event. it's autumn and it's just starting to get cold, but the back of kibum's neck prickles with a sensation close to heat when he meets the eyes of the new guy. just attraction, he tells himself. unexplained, unexpected. but under that curious gaze he thinks maybe he doesn't mind.

 

'ah kibum,' the gallery owner comes up to him with a jovial smile. 

 

'mrs jang,' he greets, bowing his head. the middle aged lady has a penchant for acting maternal and absentminded. but he knows her quick brain under her mild exterior and has never taken her lightly.

 

the new guy creeps behind mrs jang, a shifting shy shadow. and kibum lets his gaze flicker to him, at the large soft eyes and full mouth, at the sharp angles that make up the rest of his face, at the slight frame in too big clothes. too thin, kibum thinks. a stray push might break him, if he was made of brittle bones. 

 

'this is jonghyun,' mrs jang says, astute eyes noticing kibum's gaze. 'he just started about two months ago.'

 

'oh,' kibum thinks.

 

'he's the one who's been liaising with your agent,' mrs jang continues.

 

'oh,' kibum says out loud. 'nice to meet you.' he sticks out his hand and jonghyun grasps it, and looks up to meet his gaze square. jonghyun's eyes are intense and there's a frisson of static when their hands touch.

 

well this is inconvenient, kibum thinks.

 

'you're really young,' jonghyun comments, breaking the strange spell that had spun around them. his voice is mellow and smooth, like a lullaby. 

 

'so are you,' kibum replies, letting his lips curve into a smile. 

 

'but you're much more successful,' jonghyun points out, and his mouth curls into a small smile too. 

 

you're really beautiful, kibum wants to say. but it's a weird thing to say to someone you just met.

 

'and you're a really beautiful man,' jonghyun continues, as if it's just a passing comment, as if taking the words straight from kibum's brain. 

 

'i wanted to say that,' kibum exclaims, without quite thinking.

 

'to me?' jonghyun's tone is teasing. 'i would question your eyesight, but the photos on the walls prove it's pretty good.'

 

'you're like autumn,' kibum says impulsively and when jonghyun raises an eyebrow he explains. 'autumn is beautiful, but melancholic. it's like it knows it's a transitional season, that it only exists to prepare the world for winter.'

 

'so you're saying i'm a temporary person?' his voice is still teasing, still curious.

 

'no! no, it's just i think you're beautiful, but there's something sad underneath it; in your eyes, and the shape of your smile and…' kibum trails off. he realizes that is probably not the right thing to say to someone you just met. jonghyun's face changes for just an instant, a twist of pain.

 

'i'm sorry, my friends always say i'm too direct,' kibum apologizes, and makes to go but jonghyun's fingers on his wrist stop him.

 

'what season are you?' he asks. and kibum smiles. 

 

but before he can answer, his agent comes over to remind him to socialize and mingle and he has to leave.

 

~-~

 

'you can have models and actors at your feet and you're mooning over a gallery employee,' taemin deadpans.

 

'shut it,' kibum says, staring at jonghyun's number he had managed to weasel out of his agent after the show. 'go find minho and make out or something.'

 

'we are  _ not _ dating,' taemin squeaks. 'we run a swim school together. we are  _ business partners. _ ' it's a regular argument. kibum swears they're dating. they both deny it. kibum points out they hang out too often and rarely date other people. minho rolls his eyes and says love isn't everything and taemin brings out a list of everyone he's ever been in a relationship with.

 

'you'll get there eventually, don't worry.' kibum tunes out taemin's loud denials and goes back to staring at the message he's crafted.

 

_ i think i'm like summer. sometimes too bright and too hot, and sometimes moody like summer storms. _

 

it's stupid, and very forward, assuming that jonghyun would remember their conversation at all, that he could casually just text like that. but kibum wants to try it out, wants to see what would happen next. 

 

well, at the very least he could just pretend it's a wrong number if jonghyun doesn't remember.

 

the minutes after the message is sent pass like agony. kibum feels jittery and foolish. he never does this, not really, never really cared enough to try with anyone. but there had been something precious about that moment, when jonghyun had grabbed his wrist and humoured him, had wanted to share in the sometimes flighty metaphors he indulged in. 

 

it feels scary, to expose himself like this. taemin glances at him and shakes his head. 'what's so special about this one?' he asks. 

 

'he's like autumn,' kibum replies quietly. taemin tilts his head in confusion, but kibum doesn't answer. 

 

autumn; the moment just before the world goes quiet into sleep, just before everything turns cold and cruel, like the world is whispering a last goodbye. kibum thinks his next collection will be about autumn.

 

he's so lost in thought he almost misses jonghyun's reply.

 

_ so do you think summer and autumn can be friends? _

 

kibum smiles, something like joy brimming over in his chest.

 

_ anything is possible. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just thought of something else for this verse

_ you're like autumn _ that photographer boy had said, and he had looked at jonghyun with something brilliant shimmering under his lashes.

 

jonghyun had thought his photos beautiful, had thought  _ him _ beautiful, like a sunrise, the world waking up. and for a wild moment, he had wanted to kiss him, and he wonders what would have happened if he had. 

 

autumn is the loneliest, jonghyun thinks. not winter. winter is alone by choice, regal and icy. standing distinct and apart from everyone else, detached. autumn in contrast is desperate, seeking out attention, saying goodbye with as much beauty as can be given. 

 

_ jonghyun _ is lonely. and somehow that boy had seen through his careful façade.

  
that boy's world is merry, colourful and loud. and jonghyun's world is soundless and grey. has been since the day an accident had stolen his entire family. when everything had betrayed him, turned life into a masquerade, when his passion for music had turned into ashes and dust in his throat, when pain overtook him and drained him dry.   
  
_ i think i'm like summer. sometimes too bright and too hot, and sometimes moody like summer storms. _

 

he wants to touch this summer storm, wants to hold it in his hands, wants it to rain thunder and lightning over him. he wants to feel.

 

~-~

 

"i didn't," kibum gasps out. "plan for. this. to happen."

 

jonghyun's laugh is low and sardonic, his breath hot on kibum's neck. "really?"

 

"i asked you out for dinner!" kibum says. "not-" jonghyun presses him into the wall, aligning their bodies just so, and drags a tongue up kibum's neck. and kibum shudders, words trailing away into a gasp.

 

"fuck." his curse is quiet but vehement.

 

"now you're getting it," jonghyun says. he laughs.

 

kibum says nothing, digs his fingers into the back of jonghyun's shirt and tugs him into his room.

 

~-~

 

"minho is gonna mock me," kibum says wryly, when he wakes up the next morning. his hair is mussed up and his eyes are half closed but his smile is bright bright bright. 

 

jonghyun smiles back at him. "do you care?"

 

"no." his eyes on jonghyun are frank and appraising. and jonghyun thinks he likes this gaze, likes these eyes. 

 

"i don't usually sleep with someone on the first date just so you know."

 

"and i don't usually date," jonghyun says. he shrugs, and turns away but he doesn't miss the flash of  _ something _ in kibum's eyes. 

 

honest, he thinks,  _ so _ honest. 

 

"so this is a one night stand then?" 

 

jonghyun  _ could _ agree. he has before, fucked and left, his heart untouched. he just wants to  _ feel _ sometimes, even if it's just a stranger's body writhing beneath his own, nails digging into flesh, the raw pleasure-pain of someone fucking him open. feel without the risk of burning up.

 

but kibum had asked him out for dinner, had teased him about his too long hair, had asked him why he wore his clothes a little too large, like he was hiding himself. kibum had talked about photography, talked about his friends in denial, asked about jonghyun's interests, hobbies, hates. kibum seems to want something closer to his heart. 

 

and when he woke up earlier than kibum in the morning, jonghyun had decided to stay.

 

"i don't know," jonghyun finally tells kibum, turning around to face him. "what do you want?"

 

there is gentleness in the way kibum smiles at him.

 

"i want to photograph you," he whispers. he runs hands up jonghyun's legs, fingers trailing slowly up his inner thighs. "take photos of you like this," his fingers move to draw idle patterns low on jonghyun's stomach, just grazing, featherlight, over his muscles. "keep them private," his hands move again, over jonghyun's chest, thumbs playing with the hardened nipples. "just for me." 

 

kibum's hands slide lower again, nails just barely scratching over jonghyun's skin, and when they stop at the tangle of hair at his crotch, jonghyun finds he cannot breathe. he's almost hard again, just from the low harsh whisper of kibum's voice and his drifting hands. "fuck," he mutters.

 

"that's a nice plan," kibum agrees, and he leans over to kiss jonghyun. 

 

~-~

 

"morning sex is great but morning breath is not," kibum announces, and jonghyun laughs.

 

"do you need to go back soon?" kibum asks, voice quiet and small. it's framed as a casual question, but jonghyun thinks there's another one lying underneath.

 

he has his own questions to answer, he thinks. before he can answer kibum's. like why had he said yes when kibum asked? why had he replied the text? why had he humoured kibum about seasons? 

 

loss becomes a friend if you let it stay too long, the houseguest you forget was supposed to leave. it becomes a crater that opens in your chest, bleeding pain you use to build a fortress. and you lock yourself in a dungeon and pray you never again love enough that loss could break you in half. jonghyun had let it meld to his bones, an armour, a wall.

 

and kibum had still seen the melancholy underneath the carefully curated laughter.

 

"do you want me to leave?" jonghyun asks.

 

"only if i get to see you again." 

 

"you're very direct."

 

"people have said that."

 

kibum's eyes are weights on jonghyun, spotlights glancing over every part, searchlights trying to look deeper.

 

_ i want you, _ he seems to be saying. or maybe just  _ i want to get to know you. _

 

"there's a comic convention next weekend," jonghyun offers. "we could go."

 

"that's probably the thing taemin has been bugging me to go for," kibum says. he attempts an exasperated expression but there is fondness that he cannot hide.

 

"you could go with him then," jonghyun says, darting his eyes away, stung for no reason.

 

"i want to go with you," kibum replies, the words slipping too quick too easy from his lips.

 

"you're incredibly direct," jonghyun says again, turning his gaze back.

 

"i know what i want."

 

_ and i want you. _ it's not stated but it's there, brimming under the surface.

 

maybe it's okay to want him too, jonghyun thinks. maybe.

 

he curls lazily into kibum. "i don't actually have to leave yet," he says gingerly. "can i stay?" 

 

it's an answer without properly saying the words.

 

kibum shifts so their bodies are flush. "you can stay as long as you want."   
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know where this part came from but it's a little angsty.  
> marked as complete but i might come back to it.

jonghyun leaves kibum with the advent of spring, and kibum lets him. 

 

the spring flowers still bloom despite the ache in his heart, the spring birds still croon little love songs. it feels strange that the world is beginning again when his heart feels like it's shutting down. 

 

it wasn't love, he tells himself. not really. for could you really fall in love in six months? could you really give your heart over? sometimes he's afraid that maybe he has, that maybe he had from the moment jonghyun caught his wrist and smiled up at him.

 

he thinks jonghyun had relinquished a bit of his heart too, but then had gotten terrified perhaps, by the look in kibum's eyes, the touch of his hands. kibum knows why jonghyun is scared, has kissed the long scar down the side of his body where the accident had left its mark, knows the fear of forever, the fear of losing, the fear of being left. of being hurt so deep you can't breathe, and never wanting to feel that helpless again. 

 

"it still doesn't warrant breaking someone's heart," he says out loud, and his voice is tinny in the room, words falling empty on his bed, where jonghyun would sometimes spread himself out on, where  _ kibum _ had spread open jonghyun and touched his mouth to places he now wishes he had never seen. 

 

"i'm sorry," jonghyun had said. his hands had been raised, upwards, open, and if he had chosen to shrug his shoulders it wouldn't have been out of place.  _ there's nothing else i can do. _

 

kibum had thought of screaming, laughing, crying, throwing breakable items in the direction of jonghyun's head. in the end he had done nothing, had barely smiled, helped jonghyun pack whatever he had left in kibum's apartment, said goodbye at the door. acted like he had let go of everything the way jonghyun seemed so willing to. like it didn't matter. had never mattered.

 

_ you're so honest, _ jonghyun had marvelled. over and over. but that was the first time kibum wasn't.

 

~-~

 

kibum's next collection is called glimpses of lost love. photos of shadowy fragments of an unidentified man; side profile, jawline, soft eyes, a tuft of hair, a full mouth, teeth clamping into his bottom lip. a particularly risque one pans over the bare length of the man's body, focusing on the long white scar that runs along his side over his ribs down over his jutting hipbone, everything else is lost in shadow. it's oddly artistic, oddly sad too, like a last love song.

 

his agent markets it as the first collection that reveals a personal pain, but kibum's laugh is almost mocking when he's asked; he says it's just meant to portray a certain kind of loss. and when they ask him who the model is, kibum just smiles. it's mysterious, and maybe people read more into the smile than he means them to, but it is a lure and he doesn't mind. he's become less honest after jonghyun left.

 

the showing is at mrs jang's gallery, because he's one of her favourites, and jonghyun's eyelids flicker in alarm the first time he sees him but kibum smiles, politely and tight lipped. and jonghyun nods his head. and it's like everything that was between them shatters and crumbles.

 

that they had laughed together, shared secrets, shared dreams, that they knew each other's bodies too well, could map them blind-folded, that kibum still has far too visceral memories of jonghyun's fingers and mouth, tongue and teeth, still masturbates to recalled touch. 

 

kibum pretends like he sees jonghyun pretending and tells himself it's better. tells himself that eventually he'll forget, the same way jonghyun obviously has, that it's all very trivial ultimately. just a broken heart, most people have overcome worse.

 

~-~

 

"i don't remember signing anything to say you could use my body." jonghyun's voice is dark in kibum's ear, his body close enough to cast warmth on kibum's back. and kibum wants to turn around and tug him close, chase his mouth and suck at his tongue, wants to move backwards and fit their bodies together. 

 

he doesn't do any of that. he schools his face into impassivity and cooly replies, "i don't remember saying this was you." he doesn't look back.

 

"i think i recognize my own body," jonghyun says, and kibum lets out a soft laugh.

 

"do you?"

 

jonghyun doesn't reply to that, and when kibum darts a quick glance back, he's scrutinizing the photo they're in front of. 

 

it's a simple one, a man's shadowy figure laid out on a bed, the sheets rumpled. he's bare-chested, arm flung over his face, and a single ray of light stretches across his shoulders and clavicles  

 

"do you remember what we did after you took this photo?" jonghyun asks, and his mouth is too near kibum's ear, his fingers are just brushing over kibum's lower back. 

 

taking a steadying breath, kibum manages an airy laugh. "i don't know why you still seem to think this is about you."

 

"you really liked the mole on my chest," jonghyun whispers, and kibum's eyes flicker to that very mole immortalized on the photo. 

 

"do you remember what we did?" jonghyun asks again, and when kibum makes no reply, he chuckles, low, and the sound makes something stir in kibum's gut. 

 

kibum remembers. 

 

_ jonghyun sleepily opened his eyes at the sound of the shutter, and smiled up at kibum, straddled on his hips.  _

 

_ "why are you wearing clothes?" he asked, tugging at the edge of the oversized shirt kibum had thrown on, tracing a single finger over the waistband of his boxers.  _

 

_ "you literally just woke up," kibum said, almost accusing.  _

 

_ jonghyun's smile was languid and lazy. "are you seriously complaining?"  _

 

_ kibum grinned and ran a single finger down jonghyun's chest and stomach, stopping just at his belly button. "not really," he admitted. _

 

_ jonghyun pulled kibum to himself, rolling them over until kibum was caught under him. and when he kissed kibum, the camera fell out of kibum's hand, but they didn't think about that until much much later.  _

 

"do you remember?" jonghyun asks again, and kibum is flung back to the present, and a jonghyun he cannot touch like that anymore, a jonghyun he shouldn't want to touch like that. 

 

"what do you want from me?" he hisses, in lieu of an answer.

 

"compensation?" jonghyun says. then he grips kibum's shoulders and turns him. "or maybe, just you?" 

 

to his horror, kibum's eyes well up with tears. because jonghyun is looking up at him with a simple kind of hopeful joy, the kind kibum always wanted to give to him, the kind he thought he  _ had,  _ before jonghyun had voluntarily vanished from his life. 

 

grinding the heels of his palms into his watering eyes, he manages to gasp out "please don't do this, jjong." he can almost feel the stares from the viewers, can hear the whispering that seems to crescendo in his ears, can hear mrs jang's voice above the murmuring, her calm assurances, her effusive praise, taking attention away from the star photographer in the side of the room trying not to have a nervous breakdown.

 

by the time mrs jang makes her rounds to get within arm's reach of kibum, he's gotten ahold of his emotions. "are you okay, kibum?" she asks, and there's a threat under her kind words. it's her event as much as his, and a hysterical main star would hardly be good publicity for her gallery. kibum understands that, even empathises with. it's all about the public image. even if he doesn't quite believe in it as much.

 

"i'm fine," he tells her, meeting her eyes squarely. "i need to talk to jonghyun though. privately, if that's alright."

 

"there's a meeting room out the door on the right," mrs jang says, and her eyes jumps between them, suspicion-filled and doubting. it doesn't help that jonghyun looks a little stunned at the request, making it plainly obvious that it wasn't a mutual kind of decision. "jonghyun can show you the way."

 

kibum turns his gaze to jonghyun, who shrugs and starts walking, sliding his hands into his pockets. they don't talk.

 

~-~

 

"i miss you," jonghyun says, point-blank, when the door shuts.

 

"you're the one who left," kibum points out. he drags his eyes away from jonghyun's pleading ones.

 

"that was a mistake."

 

kibum snorts. "sure as hell was. glad you realized."

 

"can we try again?"

 

"do you think i'm stupid?" kibum snaps.

 

jonghyun doesn't reply. it's a stalemate; both of them staring at each other. mute. until jonghyun smiles, barely there, flitting and unsteady, like static on a television screen.

 

"you called me your lost love."

 

"i called you  _ a _ lost love." there's no point denying now.

 

"so you love me."

 

"i did. past tense."

 

jonghyun recoils like the words are lashing whips. "present tense for me though." 

 

kibum crosses his arms, like he's holding himself together. "how completely irrelevant to me." his gaze is steady.

 

"you can be so cruel," jonghyun says, a wry smile on his lips. "i forgot."

 

"do you hate me?" jonghyun's question is light, almost playful. like the aggression in  _ kibum's  _ voice isn't affecting him.

 

"no," kibum replies. the first honest thing he's said.

 

"better answer than i expected."

 

"what do you want, jjong?" the nickname slips out of his mouth too easily, too familiarly. and kibum mentally curses himself.

 

"just to apologize," jonghyun says, smile crooked, ashamed.

 

"you haven't actually done that," kibum says.

 

when jonghyun moves forward, kibum pushes aside the warring instincts to both back away, and pull him close, until their breaths mingle. 

 

"i'm sorry," jonghyun says, he looks tired all of a sudden, contrite and incredibly vulnerable. "i gave up on you too soon. it seemed like a better idea to leave than to let myself fall for you. which didn't work anyway. so. yes. i'm sorry, i’m a fool, and i’m apparently in love with you. i don’t know when it happened, but there it is.” jonghyun’s gaze is soft, yearning, and kibum wants to launch himself at him, gather him up, never let go. be the most sappy partner in the world, indulge in over the top pda where everyone can see, take pictures of him for no reason, visit cliched places and do stereotyped things together. love him and love him and love him.

 

instead he freezes himself and sends jonghyun a chilly kind of smile. “thank you,” he says. and jonghyun grins, tips an invisible hat and leaves. kibum lets out a ragged breath that stops in his throat when jonghyun pops his head in again.

 

“oh and i forgot to tell you,” he says. “i’m leaving the gallery. i found a job teaching music to elementary children. i used to do a lot of that, remember? before-” 

 

“yeah,” kibum says, nodding. “i remember. good luck.” jonghyun smiles, and walks back into the room, closer. his fingertips flutter cautiously over kibum’s cheekbones and kibum doesn't move away.

 

“you take care of yourself,” jonghyun says gently.

 

it feels like a goodbye kibum can’t actually face. and before he can stop himself he reaches up to grasp jonghyun’s fingers, too tight. he hears jonghyun release a shocked gasp of air. 

 

“i’m not honest,” kibum says. “i'm not honest at all. i miss you too, i miss you  _ every day.”  _ his gaze meets jonghyun’s and there’s a sweet kind of pain that jolts up his throat at the expression in jonghyun’s eyes; tender, fond, sorrowful. “why did you go?”

 

"because i was a coward," jonghyun replies, and the smile on his mouth twists bitter.

 

"are you still?" kibum doesn't know where the question has come from, where the desperate need in his voice is from. humiliating maybe, but honest. like the clarity in jonghyun's eyes, like the hope breaking through, like his own heart beating in his hands, waiting to be handed over. again.

 

"i want to say no," jonghyun says. "but i can't. i want to try not being one, not think of escape everytime you look at me and my heart beats too fast in my chest. try not to be afraid of loving you."

 

"is that enough?" jonghyun's eyes have hope hidden under fear.

 

kibum laughs at the question, laughs and laughs, merry and bright, then curls fingers into the loops of jonghyun's jeans. "it shouldn't be, but i'll take it. i'll take it because i'm a fool."

 

"teach me to be one," jonghyun whispers, leaning closer, until their mouths are almost touching. "teach me."

 

and kibum kisses him then, because his lost love has come back, because he'll take him, broken and unsure, scared but willing. 

  
and maybe they'll fall apart again one day, maybe. but he thinks they have the tools to mend the breakages now, they have the tools to at least try.


End file.
